Blog - Page 4 of 4 - Teen Charge

THE FOUR PARENTING STYLES

Each parent has a vision of how they want to raise their children. Some have an idea of particular vocational/education pursuits in mind for the child to pursue, or even social/relational goals for the child. Moreover, each parent also has particular lessons that they desire for their children as they grow to into adulthood such as concepts of respect, love, justice, or morality to name a few. Therefore, in order for the parent to help their child navigate through life to reach the particular vision and goals set for their child, each parent develops and implements a particular style of parenting.

Even though each parent may have unique visions and goals for their child, there are commonalities between how parents tend to raise their children. Psychological researchers and theorists have identified that the style a parent uses in raising children can be related to two measurable factors: responsiveness (amount of support/warmth given to the child) and demandingness (expectations/control placed on the child). When considering these two factors, it has been said that there are essentially four parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, disengaged, and authoritative.

AUTHORITARIAN

This style of parenting is HIGH in demandingness, but LOW in responsiveness. An indication of this parenting style is that the parent holds the child to strong expectations, but gives very little room for the child to make mistakes. Some parents might refer to this style as “tough love” as it is heavy on punishment as corrective action.

Pros: Children conform to parental authority and standards, and will create high expectations for oneself. Parent has ultimate control.

Cons: Children will most likely rebel against rules in future. They may see their relationships and situations with rigidity. It is also indicative that the child will have lower self-esteem due to the high expectation place on self.

PERMISSIVE

This style of parenting is HIGH in responsiveness, but LOW in demandingness. This style can be indicated when the parent is seen as the child’s “friend”. The parent comes across as very caring and warm to the emotional needs of the child. Yet, when it comes to rules and expectations, the parent expects nothing or very little. The child & parent are seen as equals in household authority.

Pros: The emotional bond between the parent & child is really strong. The child is able to share thoughts and feelings with the parent openly. Child may feel as though they have freedom.

Cons: The parent’s expectations are chaotic, if not non-existent, which could mislead the child to believe that the child “do whatever”. Child can learn how to manipulate the parent due to lack of strong expectations. Child may hold other authority figures in contempt as the attitude is “rules don’t matter”.

DISENGAGED

This style of parenting is LOW in both demandingness and responsiveness. Parents that use this style take a “hands-off” approach. This means that there are very little to no expectations on the children. However, it also means that the children also get very little to no attention from the parent with regard to emotional, mental, or even physical support. Essentially, the child learns everything on their own.

Pros: Children have freedom to seemingly “do whatever” they want. The world is theirs to explore. Children learn lessons from the parent indirectly or not at all.

Cons: Children miss out on the direct support that comes from parental engagement. Children may grow up without a strong identity of who they are.

AUTHORITATIVE

This style of parenting is HIGH in both demandingness and responsiveness. A parent here shows balance of creating and maintaining strong expectations for child with offering the child the room to grow through making mistakes along the journey. Parents here walk alongside children regardless of what the child is going through.

Pros: Children will tend to respect expectations laid on them, and will most likely discuss their thoughts and feelings with the parent. It incubates a strong bond between parent and child.

Cons: For the parent, it takes work and time to develop which can be exhausting. However, for the child there this seems to be the style that encourages growth into a well-adjusted adult.

As a parent, you have quite the undertaking; remember your children, regardless of age, look to you for the direct support that they need to navigate the murky waters of life. Your parenting style creates the environment for your child to learn who they are in this world. You set the pace for the developmental growth of your child. Your contributions to your children are highly valued by them, even if they don’t directly inform you of this.

Author: Leo Preston, Teen CHARGE Production Manager

Broderick, P. C., & Blewitt, P. (2015). The life span: human development for helping professionals (Fourth edition). Boston: Pearson.

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Love or Infatuation?

We all know certain people that are so head over heels for their boyfriend or girlfriend that friendships seem to take a back seat. Shoot! You may even relate to this from your current or past romantic relationship. For some people, this is a common train of thought: “I’m with my special someone, so I need to spend every waking moment with that person”. Yet, the question to be asked is whether or not this train of thought references love or infatuation.

In our culture, we have one word for ‘love’ and use it for everything we like, enjoy, and cherish: “I love pizza!”; “I love the dog!”; “I love you!” According to the Greeks, there are actually four kinds of love: affection, friendship, desire, & unconditional. Each word references a type of love, but it’s not the same word used in different situations. When considering the feelings that one might have for their special someone how do these four definitions of love resonate with that relationship?

The Love Test

Try going 30 days without any physical contact and see if your relationship lasts. Is it love or infatuation?

If you want to know if it’s love, set a boundary. Say, “I don’t want you to cross this line”. Love = respect. If they love you, they will respect your boundaries and not only care about what’s best for them but also what’s best for YOU!

Don’t want to deal with depression and looking for real love? You may want to Avoid the Risk.

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Teen Pregnancy

In romantic relationships, the question that will inevitably arise is whether or not to engage in sexual intercourse. After all, for some young couples, this act may seem like the ‘typical’ next step in a relationship. However, if not exhaustively discussed ahead of time, or if strong boundaries are not established or followed, then decisions could be made based on the intense emotions of the moment. Decisions that could potential change one’s life forever, especially for a teenager.

According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, research shows that “about 77 percent of teen pregnancies are unplanned. In other words, they are unwanted or occurred “too soon.” This means that these teens who became pregnant after engaging in sexual intercourse weren’t ready to take on the responsibilities that come along with pregnancy.

In order to be fully prepared to take on this responsibility, a person needs to be a lot more secure in all aspects of life: vocationally, financially, emotionally, mentally, and in their romantic relationship to name a few. Sexual intercourse is not an act that is done without consequences. It is as Sir Isaac Newton said about the 3rd Law of Motion, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”. To put in plainly, if you choose to have sex with your partner, then there is the potential for a pregnancy to occur. The only sure way to prevent teen pregnancy is to decide to wait to have sex until you are more secure in all the aspects of life as mentioned above.

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Why Wait?

Engaging sexually with your partner is more than just the act of sexual intercourse. Yes! It may feel like a deeper connection with your special someone, but the reality is that sex changes everything! For example, due to the emotional nature of sex, the two parties involved give a part of themselves to the other person. What is shared can never be taken back, even if the relationship doesn’t last. In fact, those that have sex with each and break-up tend to be more emotionally impacted than those that break-up with each other without ever having sex.

Not only does waiting impact your present, but it can also impact your future as well. Consider the following:

Parents

The “Talk” Tips for Parents

Nervous about having “The Talk”? Here’s some advice…

87% of teens say it would be easier to postpone sexual activity if they were able to have more open, honest conversations with their parents. (The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy)

Why it’s important

As mom and dad, YOU are the example and the biggest influence when it comes to your child’s decision about sexual activity. Making a decision about sex is huge and your kids want your help in navigating the facts, understanding the risks, and hearing your expectations for them. In fact, “87% of teens say it would be easier to postpone sexual activity if they were able to have more open, honest conversations with their parents.” So, what are you waiting for?

Timing is everything!

Begin early. Don’t wait until your child is a teen! We recommend that you don’t think of it as one “big talk” but rather an ongoing conversation. This allows the conversation to continue and be more comfortable for you and your child.

Research has shown many girls are having sex by age 14 and guys as young as 12 in many areas even younger! (Michigan Department of Community Health). It’s more than “the talk” that helps your kids make decisions about sex. Ask them about their values and share yours. Tell them “I love you” every day. They always desire that from you, even if they don’t act like it. Tell them your dating experiences, even if aren’t proud of some of the decisions you made. Your story might help inspire your child to follow your positive choices or save them from getting caught in the same trap. Remember that navigating sexuality has only gotten more tricky these days due to climbing rates of STD’s and the increase of sexuality in the media.

Choose the right place!

Make it a special time with you child-whatever you do, make it private and personable! Remember though that in today’s society, kids are less familiar with the “sit down face-to-face convo in the living room”. Now, we’re not suggesting that you have this conversation via text message, but get creative. Going on a drive, taking a hike, or doing an activity together while chatting will help with the “OMG, my mom and dad are talking about sex and STARING at me!” feeling. Your kids will thank you for it later.

Make a plan!

Don’t try to wing it! Know what basic points you want your child to know ahead of time. You’re going to want the most up-to-date information since new statistics and studies are constantly emerging. Visit our “Tips for Teens” section for medically-accurate information. It may help to obtain some factual materials ahead of time. Facts on the issue change every year. Make sure you’re giving your teen the most correct and up-to-date info. Contact us if you need help with that.

Discussion starters often help. Feel free to discuss hot topics on the issue. A movie, magazine article, or other reference to the topic can be a great ice-breaker and discussion starter. The conversation doesn’t have to be awkward or super serious. Make it fun and interesting and make sure you don’t do all the talking. Ask your child what they’ve seen at school and in TV shows and movies, related to sex or risky behavior. You may even want to choose a scene from movie or TV show to start a conversation about choices and consequences.

Speak your mind!

Remember to share your family values and religious values (if applicable). Let your child know that they are capable of choosing to wait for sex and help them think through the benefits of waiting. This helps your child understand that you have an expectation for them and you’re counting on them.

Remember the only 100% way to not get an STI or have an unplanned pregnancy is to wait and fully AVOID THE RISK!

*The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy

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The Social Impact of Having Sex

We’ve all heard stories about wild parties. They’re about the bangin’ music, hot girls, and hype dancing all night long. Parties like this often include alcohol, drugs, and sex. What we don’t often hear about are the consequences that often follow these situations. Many people that have sex while under the influence would not have made the same choice if they were sober. Regret, guilt, and worry often creep in and can even lead someone to isolate them-self from others, or continue the reckless behavior because they feel that it’s too late to late turn things around.

In 2009, 46% of high school students had sexual intercourse and 13.8% had four or more sex partners during their life. Prior to the sexual activity, 21.6% drank alcohol or used drugs. Only 38.9% used a condom. (CDC)
Boys report higher expectations that sex will lead to pleasure and social status.
Nearly 70% of teens report there is “a lot of pressure to have sex by a certain age” (71% guys and 64% girls) – (Kaiser Family Foundation/Seventeen Magazine)
75% of girls and over half of boys report that girls who have sex do so because their boyfriends want them to. – (DoSomething.org)

Think About It…
Real friends keep each other’s best interest in mind and hold them accountable to making positive choices. Are you surrounded by a group who is pressuring you positively or negatively? Want to be a good husband or wife someday? Practicing self-control will pay off later in a good marriage relationship.

Don’t want to put yourself in a situation where you might make a bad choice? You may want to skip the party and Avoid the Risk.

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Sexually Transmitted Infections/Diseases

Sexually transmitted infections/diseases are a danger for any sexually active or IV drug using youth. They are transmitted through the exchange of fluids (blood, semen, saliva), with some being life threatening or life long.

Stats on STDs — Current statistics on STDs

Who Should Be Tested?

Sexually active people (vaginal, oral or anal sex) at least once a year under 25 years old
Anyone who has had a new sex partner within the last 6 months
Partners of infected people
Intravenous (IV) drug users

Testing Information

You may have to ask your doctor for STI testing
Different STI’s require different tests. Your doctor can advise you on which ones you need.
Different types of sexual activity require different tests.

Testing can take place at a doctor’s office, local clinic or health department. Check out this video taken at the Pregnancy Resource Center on what a testing visit might look like.